Wednesday, September 21, 2005

What's black and white and totally ridiculous?

Just when you thought the culture couldn't get more simple-minded, they've started arguing over whether penguins are Christian.

Yep, penguins. And not in the Blues Brothers'-euphemism-for-"nun"sense. Apparently, the new French wildlife documentary, "March of the Penguins" has raised that burning question for millions of Americans who have nothing better to think about since their neighbor took down the bug zapper and finally silenced their fears that gnats go to hell.

The film deals with the Emperor penguins in Antarctica, who face extreme conditions to breed.

"Blizzards, gales and a chill reaching to -40 degrees C (-40 degrees F) are only a few of the obstacles thrown in the penguins' way. After laying their single eggs, the females trudge in single file to feeding grounds 110 kilometers (70 miles) from their breeding site. For two months, the male sits on the egg to keep it warm and let the chick hatch, awaiting the return of the female bringing food for their offspring. Only when the mother returns does the father then make his own trek to the distant coast to ease his own hunger."

The first lesson would be that God hates penguins. But, you see where they're going with this, right?

Clearly, if penguins can put up with so much of the wrath of God to have their kids, you can keep that baby! Not that there's anything insulting about telling us that we could learn a lot from a flightless aquatic bird with a brain the size of a yo-yo.

Speaking of yo-yos, a number of them have entered the fray. On the one hand, you have those who point out that penguins aren't really monogamous, not to mention the fact that some of them are flamingly gay, giving a whole new meaning to "divine creation".

"These penguins get around. They switch mates with each new mating season, which makes for some pretty slutty birds -- '" notes the deeply jealous Sheerly Avni on

And, on the other hand, we have those people who, taking their own cues from the ostrich, believe that those unwed mothers would stop having abortions if we just showed them this penguin movie. Plus, more fathers would stay home with the eggs and eat fish guts.

Inevitably, we have some who have never read Darwin telling us that these penguins disprove him. But, of course not- Darwin never said anything against animals preserving their own species. Now, a killer whale building a manger for baby penguins might bring Darwin into question, but... ah, forget it.

"It is hard not to see the theological overtones in the movie... Beauty, goodness, love and devotion are all part of nature, built into the DNA of the universe," said Maggie Gallagher, a columnist with, right before being eaten by a bear.


Pantiespantiespanties said...

Yeah, the NY Times ran an article about this. The religious right are amazing mental contortionists.


Rufus said...

I wonder if God ever speaks to anyone and tells them that they're acting foolish?