Friday, November 25, 2005

How to be a Conservative Pundit

Recently, the New York Review of Books did a piece on how well-organized and well-funded conservative talk-show hosts and editorialists are. With the occasional bribe from the White House and the vast network of middle aged men who really, really believe that "leftists" and "Islimacists" are colluding to eat their children, there's quite a market for this stuff. Thousands, if not millions, of readers and listeners.

Disturbing? To some. But me, I realized that there is a tremendous amount of money to be made in becoming a right-wing pundit. Since clearly, we're all about big money here (why else would I become a TA?), I'm going to tell you...

How to Write a Right-Wing Scare Article

Step 1) Find a topic that everyone can agree on, and support it as if you're making a stand. This is for all the "normal folks" at home.
"You know, ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe that students should be failed out of school for not supporting radical communism, and I'm not afraid to say that."
So far, so good.

Step 2) Pitch this as a stand against the entire organized left.
"But, would you believe that liberals actually think that students should be failed out of school for exactly this reason?!"

Step 3) Find some wacko in Berkeley who actually said something this stupid as "evidence" of the vast left-wing conspiracy.
"It gets worse; I have here a quote from John Franklin, of the Berkeley Radical Marxist Drug- Orgy Society, who says, 'I think students must be made to obey radical Marxism, or be shot!"

Step 4) Tie it all together!
"And this is what John Kerry wants for your children!"

Step 5) Rake in the cash!
"If you'd like to hear more of my thoughts, buy my book 'Liberals are Crap!' through my website:!"

Step 6) And don't forget, they're too afraid of you to respond!
"I wanted John Kerry to respond to my allegations that he believes that students who don't support radical Communism should be killed, but apparently he's afraid of the truth!

Next week, I'll tell you why the left is bringing down the level of discourse in this country!"

How to Write a Left-Wing Scare Article

Same thing basically, but remember: It's always about race!

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