Monday, October 05, 2009

Okay, this has to be a joke...

For my money, if you want to read the Bible in English, it's hard to beat the King James Version. Nevertheless, people keep trying. We've already seen a hip hop Bible, so that inner city kids could misunderstand the scriptures. Now, supposedly, the people behind Conservapedia are working on a Conservative Bible Project because, apparently, the Bible is too liberal. I will believe this isn't a parody when I see it. However, according to Rod Dreher, they want to:
  • avoiding unisex, "gender inclusive" language, and other modern emasculation of Christianity. {So, really, just honor thy father, okay?}
  • not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity,{So far, so good, right? And if there's anything the editors of "Conservapedia" are against, it's dumbing things down!}
  • using powerful new conservative terms as they develop... updating words which have a change in meaning, such as "word", "peace", and "miracle". {what now? So, it really was the cheesemakers who are blessed?}
  • explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning {wait, what?}
  • excluding the later-inserted liberal passages that are not authentic, such as the adulteress story {I'm not an expert here, but the adulteress story was a liberal fabrication? So, in reality, Jesus cast the first stone or something?}
  • preferring conciseness to the liberal style of high word-to-substance ratio; avoid compound negatives and unnecessary ambiguities {but not dumbing down or anything!}
Again, ten bucks says this is a prank. If not, I have a few more suggestions:
  • Less begetting. Too dirty.
  • Instead of turning over the tables of the money changers in the temple, Jesus decides to let the invisible hand of the market decide their value.
  • Judas kisses Jesus partly because he's betrayed him; partly because he's a homosexual.
  • Jesus tells the lepers to get a job; stop relying on handouts.
  • It's now a lot easier for a rich man to get into heaven!
  • "I come not to bring peace, but a registered semi-automatic firearm."
  • Good news! You can serve God and wealth after all!
  • "You have heard it said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemies'. But I say to you... oh, no, wait- that's right!"
  • Instead of "turning the other cheek", Christ adopts policy of preemtive strikes.


painsthee said...

You are officially my hero of the day, which may be a titular reward only, but comes with much prestige in certain circles.

Rufus said...

Oh, well thank you very much! It's a bit like shooting fish in a barrel really, but I'll take the reward.

Brian Dunbar said...

The Word is true, righteous and infallible.

People's interpretations of the Word are imperfect, tainted by bias, ignorance and foolish notions.

And I'm not just talking about the scholars and puritans at Hampton Court.

Rufus said...

So should we be learning Greek or just read all of the editions with a grain of salt? The KJV is my favorite largely because the prose is beautiful, and there's something to be said for that. But I've never seen it as perfect or literal.

But, like I've said elsewhere, we were taught as kids that the point wasn't in the details but the messages, and it wasn't supposed to be read literally, as if it was a history book. And that man isn't really able to understand the word without it being given in fables and parables. So, when people worry about how many days it took to make the earth and where the dinosaurs were during that time, we were told they were missing the point.

But, of course, there's a difference between reading the Scriptures as a nonliteral expression of literal truths, and rewriting them to fit your political biases.