Sunday, January 30, 2011

Status Update

Okay, so, here's the thing about being married: we're not good at it. At least, not like you're supposed to be. Oh, we love each other passionately and we don't fight or bicker. We're not bad at it that way. We're best friends. Yep.

But, when you're married, you're part of an enterprise- Married Couple, Inc. So, you have to work on that full time. And, if you want to work on your shit, it's not so easy to do that without rocking the boat. I think that's the issue with us. My wife wants to work on her shit, figure out who she is, and get her life together. Which she probably can't do with me. So, we're splitting up. Probably. The thought is painful for us, and the reality probably will be too. But this isn't working anymore.

And what if she does get it together? I don't know. She has no idea if she will, and I just can't see waiting around for her, frankly. So, I have to start over my life again, which isn't what I feel like doing at 36. This doesn't feel good. But, what can ya' do?


Holly said...

Maybe you get more mileage out of a marriage if you can shelve those ideas about being "good at it" "like you're supposed to be." What a marriage is, or should be, or can do for the people involved is flexible and must necessarily flex when the people do.

... then again? Maybe a marriage works best if the people in it are both working from some known and authoritative blueprint.

Having witnessed countless marriages survive, fall, feign one or the other, and so on, I can honestly say I haven't a clue.

Hell, maybe a willingness to let the incorporated aspect go in deference to the individual requirements of the board is the only way to save a marriage.

In any case - good luck with this. I suspect your philosophical aspect may serve you well here.

Rufus said...

I think we might be happiest living in close proximity, but separately. It's terrifying though because how do you know if living separately isn't just a nice way of saying 'divorcing'?

Holly said...

Oh yeah, I get that. Neighbors With Benefits isn't a practical arrangement, either.

Rufus said...

Yeah, it's really a handful of bad options at this point. How do married couples keep from being up each others' ass anyway?

Holly said...

I find it's a carefully orchestrated time-share thing. Schedules and real estate use have to not-quite-align - not going to bed at the same time, not getting up at the same time ... leads to not needing the bathroom sink / coffee pot / telephone / oxygen at the same moment every day.

Anonymous said...

That really, really sucks, and I am sorry. Personal space is a hard thing to negotiate in a marriage, I've learned, especially when one of you needs more than the other. I do hope you find your balance and find your way back to one another, if that is what you wish for.