Sunday, December 30, 2007

"I'm a trisexual. I'll try anything once."

If I really do learn something new every day, one day of the week I learn something new from Savage Love. This week, Dan Savage received a letter from a young woman who was tickled pink to discover that she is a "cuckquean".

"Cuckquean" is not a neologism and it was not the coinage of nineteenth-century psychoanalysis, like so many other fetishes. In fact, cuckold and cuckquean are sixteenth-century terms. A cuckold, traditionally, is a man who has been "given horns" by his wife- that is, it is well-known, especially by him, that his wife takes other lovers. A cuckold is a dupe of some sort. He is considered sexually "inadequate", unable to fully "please" his wife; although given the fact that females are sexually superior to males in most physiological terms, it's hard to imagine what that could mean in actuality. At any rate, a cuckquean is simply a female cuckold. Susie Bright has used the term for women who are unhappily married to closeted gay men. Again, in classical terminology, this is supposed to be a source of shame.

In the fetish taxonomy, a cuckold is a submissive husband who takes pleasure in the fact that his wife takes other lovers with the "humiliation" of this being part of their sex life. There is an aspect of female dominance to all of this, and I believe it's understood that cuckolds don't take their own lovers. Even more confusing is the fact that so much cuckold literature stresses the husband's knowledge that, as the Urban Dictionary memorably puts it, "his wife's pussy is her solely property". But, as joint custody of bodily organs is still impossible, it's hard to figure what this could mean either. At any rate, in the fetish taxonomy, a cuckquean would be a woman who is sexually aroused by her mate taking other lovers, but who does not do so herself.

In the letter to Savage Love, it wasn't clear to me that the young woman was a cuckquean anyway. It seems that people are very quick to classify themselves and experience classification as a sort of relief. Well, at least, now I know what support group to join! However, the woman simply said that she was turned on by watching her boyfriend have sex with other women. I'm not sure why that requires humiliation, a new sexual identity, coming out as a cuckquean, and all the rest of it. I'd assume that most people would be turned on watching their partner have sex with another person.

Okay, I realize that this is not exactly a majority opinion. And, admittedly, I am polymorphously perverse and neither jealous or submissive; but it seems to me that watching your mate fuck another person is just objectively "hot", if only because you can see a number of things that you can't while having sex with them yourself. I'm not sure it has anything to do with humiliation or sexual identity; it's just really sexy. In the case of cuckolds, I'd imagine that it might have more to do with bisexuality than any of them would like to admit; but then again, I've read too much Jung, so I think everyone is bisexual (or an alchemist!). But, aside from scat, pedophilia, and necrophilia, most "fetishes" just strike me as activities that are objectively arousing, and I don't really understand the need to fit ourselves into these narrow little boxes of "sexual identity" in order to control them. I would imagine that if people were more geared towards their own sexual arousal, and less geared towards patrolling the waters of sex and partnership, this would be a given.

So, this week I learned the term "cuckquean", another term in the sprawling glossary of sexual . I am endlessly amazed at the modern sexual taxonomy: every possible dirty thought that one might have has been discovered, classified, labelled, ritualized, and made constituent of somebody's identity, if not the subject of a support group or political action committee. One suspects that this glossomania is supposed to neutralize the irrational and chaotic nature of sexuality and the subconscious. If we can classify it, we can control it. It's interesting that the taxonomic urge actually comes from the fetishists and is not imposed from outside: we all want to belong to a genus of some sort.

But, in some ways, this depresses me too. I'd imagine it is akin to the sadness some felt when the last corners of the globe were charted and mapped. There are no uncharted realms of the subconscious. Where does one hide when every spot has surveillance?

Once upon a time, the fetish taxonomy was the work of the psychological/medical establishment. There the objective often really was control, and the state sometimes relied on the "expert opinion" of psychologists to justify police actions against homosexuals and other "sexual inverts". Some historians have argued that sexual activities have always existed, but that sexual identity as we understand it is the creation of the state. For example, there were always homosexual acts, but no homosexual beings until the nineteenth century and the Enlightenment.

This is profoundly ahistorical though and ignores a wealth of information about how people have always classified themselves based on their sexual tastes and peccadilloes. Humans are social animals and prefer to group off into ridiculously narrow interests. One could, of course, see the ongoing need to explain ourselves in taxonomic means as proof of the internalization of control- psychoanalysis is dead, but we can't kill the psychoanalyst within. However, I suspect that it predates the state, the medical establishment, and any other sort of external control.

Humans seem to have an enduring need to explain themselves, and to put their often-irrational and meaningless behavior within some sort of vast integrity. I think we've always seen people fashioning self-narratives along a basic formula of "I behave this way because I am a _____". In one century, it might be, "I behave this way because I am one of the spiritual elect", or "I behave this way because I am a Jansenist". In another, "I behave this way because I am an Italian!", or "I behave this way because I am a Euro-Caucasian". Aside from some pockets of ethnicity, religion and nationality have lost all of their explanatory potential, and psychology rushes in to fill the void. "I behave this way because I am a moderately autistic, bisexual, submissive cuckold with OCD!"

Of course, it's not possible to step into the same sexual stream twice. Our behavior is fluid and changing and chaotic, and constantly makes jail-breaks from the sorry narratives that we try to trap it inside. Most "identities" don't really work and perhaps one of the benefits of living when we do is that we can try on identities and abandon them willy-nilly. It would be boring to wear the same pair of pants every day. And all we have to lose is our sense of stability.

In the end, I can't top Margaret Cho on this one. Of her own sexual chaos, she says: "And I went through this whole thing, you know. I was like: Am I gay? Am I straight? And I realized I'm just slutty.

Where's my parade?"

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321 comments:

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Hiromi said...

I think that while creating fetish categories and slotting people into them can be reductive and overly simple, it also gives people a sense of comfort in certain ways. If there are others like you, and there's a name for what you like, then you aren't merely "abnormal" or "sick."

Rufus said...

Yeah, I think that's the real benefit of it. Also finding social groups can lead to dinner parties, which is alyways a good thing.

gregvw said...

Is there a name for the condition which compels people to make extremely random sex pictures?

Browse the galleries and see if a WTF thought cloud doesn't form over your head.

http://rule34.of-the-internet.com/index.php?

Holly said...

At the risk of sounding, I don't know, prude or something? Is it possible to just fantasize about something, and get off on that? Or is it necessary to act out every last nuance of every last thing that crosses our minds as potentially titillating?

In short, has imagination failed us entirely?

Rufus said...

There is a sort of literal-mindedness to these sex clubs, isn't there? I've had the really grim thought that maybe middle class bourgeois couples follow so few of their "fantasies" in any other area of their life that sex becomes their one arena of freedom.

Not to go off on a tangent (per usual), but there seems to be a literal-mindedness to how people think about most things. I've been struck by how rare surrealism is in American art, and I've wondered if the mentality is something like, "Look, either do realism or do fantasy, but don't get weird and nuanced about it!"

I assume that most of my own fantasies are essentially unrealistic. I suppose there may well be a hospital with 30-40 bisexual candy stripers who all bring dildoes to work... But, you know, probably not!

Rufus said...

Greg, I looked at that site for about 2 minutes before being traumatized. I don't think you can ever really unsee Alf porn once you've seen it...

Holly said...

Hmm, I dunno, Rufus... Greg and I spent 15-20 minutes rummaging that site and giggling today. The Alf porn was OK, but the Tetris porn was probably the best. Or maybe the swiss army knives.

Anyway, we are pretty sure you can hire that hospital in Japan. If you want to.

Rufus said...

I would sort of like to shake the hand of the person who came up with Orville Reddenbacher porn... of course, I'd be wearing gloves.

clairev said...

i'm sorry, i haven't read the post yet, but i did see that site and did you people miss the picture (actual photo) of the man fucking the dead snake?

am i the only person who saw that?

am i the only person who is extremely disturbed by that?

i'm fine with froot loops porn or whatever but that was gross. i really did not need that image burned into my mind. blech.

c

Holly said...

Claire... I'm sorry. I was going to mention to stay away from the picture of the man fucking a snake, but I thought it would be like telling someone not to think of a purple cow... I, too, am deeply disturbed by that, and am glad you decided the snake was dead. I hadn't got that far.

Rufus said...

My working theory:

The refrigerator= updated ice box
The automobile= updated buggy
The internet= updated learning disabled class detention

clairev said...

holly,

i have to assume it's dead, otherwise there will be no happy new year for me.

it's okay. things like that happen.

but i don't think i'm wrong when i say that that should not ever happen. ever.

c

gregvw said...

My advice to young people: If that upset you, stay the fuck away from 4chan.

Happy New Year!

Rufus said...

Okay, fine, I'll give the Alf porn another chance.

Anonymous said...

Can ex-grad students join this blog?

The discussion above about cuckolds inspired me to create my own blog today, in case I just don't qualify for yours.

You can find it at

www.perverseinthe21stcentury.blogspot

and I'd be thrilled to have a few grad students with an interest in the perverse (such as I take you to be) to set me straight.

It seems to me that the centuries before the 21st are rich in examples of the perverse, poor in explaining it. Is that just because the perverse is by definition inexplicable, or is there actually a hole in the dike of western civilization I have a responsibility to plug with my finger?

Anonymous said...

The response above contains an incorrect address. It should be

http://perverseinthe21stcentury.blogspot.com

Please excuse my ignorance

I'd also sign in as something other than "Anonymous" if I only knew how

madrigal6@gmail.com

Rufus said...

I'd say the perverse is, by nature, hard to define. It sounds like an interesting project; I'll certainly link to it and keep updates on how it's going. I don't know that it's a big topic here.

Have you read "Sexual Personae"? It might be helpful.

Anonymous said...

Thanks. May/can I email you direct?

I love two of your three favourite movies if that helps...

Madrigal

Rufus said...

I guess you could send updates to rufus138 at yahoo dot com. But, honestly, I'm not going to be much help since I know almost nothing on the topic and am about to take off for research on a totally different topic. Like I said, you might want to try reading Sexual Personae. Michel Foucault also did a history of sexuality, but honestly, it's not very good. That's about all I know though.

gregvw said...

Once again, this proves that sex topics are the most popular.

Rufus said...

I was thinking the same thing. Okay, well, I'll change the title to "Hot Grad Student Jello Spanking Madness" when I get a spare moment.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, but sex is only one aspect of the perverse, and probably not the most important. "Persona", for example, is perverse but, aside from one peripheral scene, not sexually so.

A history of sexuality, besides being a dubious enterprise in the first place, has nothing to add to understanding the perverse (even if written by someone less pretentious and half-witted than Foucault).

Thanks for your email address, but I won't be bothering you further. Good luck with your research project.

Rufus said...

Best of luck. It sounds like a fascinating project.

Anonymous said...

a cuckquean is not a woman who is married to a gay man its the same thing as a cuckold buts its the husband that cheats

Rufus said...

Right- that's what I was saying. Susie Bright's used it that way, but I think it's her own usage.

Anonymous said...

how are women sexually superior?

Rufus said...

No refractory period, multiple orgasms, usually a greater number of potential partners, and a greater sexual response. Plus they look better in hot pants.

Anonymous said...

Women don't have potential for greater partner since the world is made of mostly women :D and cuckquean isn't a woman married to a do gay man its the female version of a cuckoo's the word has existed since the 15 century

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