Thursday, December 13, 2007

Look at those Cavemen go!

The race to nominate candidates for the Presidency has entered its 45th month of heavy fighting and there is still no end in sight. Americans overwhelmingly want an end to the occupation of places like Iowa and I personally have begun a hunger strike.

The Republican field is wide-open at this point: they could select any number of candidates that Republicans don't much want to vote for.

Mike Huckabee is doing very well right now... all thanks to Jesus. He says God wants him to do well in the polls. He tells his supporters that it's time to take America back for Jesus. At some point, I expect him to argue that we should give up on elections altogether and hire soothsayers to stare at sheep's intestines for half an hour and tell the rest of us who God wants for President.

Rudy Guiliani is also doing well, although one shouldn't expect him to share power with God, or anyone else, if he gets elected. And why not vote for Guiliani? We're already considering whether America is ready for its first black President, woman President, or Mormon President; why not its first batshit insane President? Nah, I'm just kidding; about 30% of our Presidents have been insane.

Aside from character, honesty, intelligence, charisma, or any idea of what the hell he's doing, Guiliani is well prepared for the Presidency. I think most of his supporters know that Rudy's a lousy candidate and don't really care; he appeals most to that authoritarian mindset that believes every problem in the world can be solved through "toughness". We need to get tough on terrorism, tough on crime, tough on poverty, tough on immigrants, tough on illiteracy, etc. etc. The hope is that you elect someone like "El Duce" Guiliani, whose only real belief is that he personally should be given as much power as possible, give him as much power as possible, and he will eventually crush the people you hate- it's the pit bull method of selecting a leader. It doesn't have a very high success rate throughout history.

Animatronic candidate Mitt Romney is doing better after recently making an inspiring speech at the Reagan Library (one has to love modesty in a candidate) in which he insisted that America's people of faith need to come together for the good of the country. Atheists can fuck off though. According to Romney, we non-believers can go back to our own country and leave America to the people of faith who speak English. Our own country being France, of course. Romney also vows that, if elected, he will one day become a real, live boy.

Tom "Rambo" Tancredo isn't doing very well, all thanks to gutless voters who just don't have the stones to pick him. He has challenged his Republican competitors to prove that they're serious about preserving America by strangling a Mexican with their bare hands. If he loses, Tancredo vows to live off the land, drinking the blood of stray sheep, and personally tracking down and killing all the surviving members of Menudo.

Ron Paul is still well-liked by us wackos who admire his strong convictions and support for individual liberty. It's hard to agree with him on everything (an anti-abortion libertarian?); but you have to admire the fact that he absolutely refuses to pander to voters. And that he isn't entirely sure who Tom Cruise is. According to the news media, Paul's unwillingness to pander to voters and dumb down his message have doomed his campaign. Basically, voters want a candidate who is more like Santa Claus.

Apparently, the most "electable" candidate in the Republican field is John McCain, who I personally like quite a bit. But, the fact that McCain could win in a general election isn't enough for Republicans who fear that, if elected, McCain wouldn't do enough to save the country from Spanish. There's something increasingly quixotic about American politics- why win elections if the price of winning is nuance? And whatever happened to those Republicans of the good old days with their starry-eyed idealistic belief in seizing power at all costs?

As for the Democrats, many of them are terrified that they might actually win this election and have vowed to do everything they can to prevent that from happening... including nominating Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton's lead is quickly evaporating and she's been acting like some Scarecrow just threw a bucket of water on her. Her husband, the fat Elvis, is brainstorming winning strategies. Her people are sending out emails claiming that Barack Obama is a sleeper Muslim intent on overthrowing the country. Her campaign managers are claiming that Obama needs to come clean on the teenage pot-smoking that he wrote about in his autobiography. She's pulling up papers he wrote in grade school to criticize the poor grammar. Next will come the "shocking revelation" that Obama once farted in an elevator and tried to play it off like he didn't.

A note to the Clinton people: the indignant, power-hungry, imperious elitist with an entitlement-complex persona will not play well in the Midwest. Also, there's something insulting about the assumption that Americans are so small-minded that they can't forgive a candidate who has admitted, with great candor, that he used drugs as a young man. Not to mention the weird assumption that we're all stupid enough to fall for the old "I didn't know that my people were spreading rumors and lies; why, I'll fire them right away!" routine. It's this disingenuous power-lust that most annoys people about Hillary Clinton; she's like Tracy Flick grown up. You get the feeling that, if you don't care for her convictions, well she's got others you might like. And after eight years of a President who seems convinced that he knows better than the rest of the country, we don't need more Nixonian arrogance and dirty tricks.

John Edwards is apparently very "electable" in a general election; no doubt, there is some pundit on television right now asking, "will Americans be able to overlook the fact that Edwards gets haircuts?" If Obama gets the nod, Edwards should be his running mate. If Hillary gets the nod, Edwards will probably have to go into hiding. For some reason, Edwards seems to really hate her. Don't look now, but I think somebody got turned down for a date...

Barack Obama, meanwhile, is like some sort of shaolin warrior: he knocks out his opponents while retaining an eerie zen-like composure. Watching him derail the Clinton campaign through the ancient Oprah-technique has been worth the price of admission. One does fear that Obama might be a bit too high-minded to battle the Republicans though. You get the feeling that Obama would stop at... well, most things in his quest to become President. On the other hand, never underestimate a man with Oprah on his side. A woman who can convince Americans to read books is not to be trifled with. Hopefully, Obama will not be required to pick Dr. Phil as his running mate. And no scented candles in the Oval Office!

Obama and Clinton are both decent candidates, but I can't be the only one who's gotten sick of hearing pundits ask idiotic questions about America's "readiness" to elect them. "Are Americans ready for a black President? Are they ready to elect a woman? Are they ready for indoor electricity??" Ugh. I like to think that Americans aren't entirely stupid.

Camille Paglia recently touched on another good reason to vote for Obama: "Michelle Obama would be the most graceful, stylish first lady since Jacqueline Kennedy." Imagine Bill Clinton hosting White House formal events! Yeesh! Actually, I'd like to see it made a law that Michelle Obama is First Lady no matter who gets elected. And I've finally understood the appeal of Camille Paglia (who is seemingly hated by 95% of the readers of Salon): she's a gay man trapped in the body of a lesbian. As a gay man trapped in the body of a... well, a "free agent", I have to agree with her.


gregvw said...

There was a time when I felt like I could vote for McCain, but it has been years. The only candidate I could for in good conscience would by Kucinich, but he has no chance at all.

Luckily, my absentee ballot won't be counted anyway since I'm not voting from a military base, so it hardly matters who I would vote for.

Rufus said...

Yeah, McCain kind of sold out a few years back. He's been good lately. Kucinich has been more fun to watch than anyone else, but he'll be out of the race before the election. What was the Bloom County joke? Writing in Gregory Peck or something like that.

Holly said...

Some minor editorial suggestions:

- 30% insane seems low
- "Duce" usually is spelled "Douche"
- is Tancredo a pseudonym for Ted Nugent?
- Obama actually set up a web site that tracks Clinton's attack-efforts. They were averaging 15 a day in the first three days. (

I support the law to select a quality first lady, separate from the presidential election. It's about time the people had another homegrown goddess on tap.

a(nother) gay man trapped in one of your regular contributors

Rufus said...

There should be something like American Idol or the Miss America pageant. "Who wants to be the First Lady?" Then we could just skip the debates altogether. I'd much rather see Michelle Obama singing "Proud Mary" or Jeri Thompson Kehn dancing the can-can than have to sit through their husbands trying to sound more Presidential than each other.

clairev said...

you know in some ways you guys have it good.

canadian federal politics just isn't this fun and interesting. if i am correct, the last federal election "debate" was pretty much that the liberals had done some stupid shit with the budget. no one argued that they did, even the liberals, and then everyone else ran fairly straightlaced campaigns for their own parties. the biggest question was whether the conservatives would get a majority vote or not. (they didn't)

there's no websites or debates about drugs, no one gives a shit who the candidates are married to. perhaps the biggest question is which hockey team they support, but even then we can be forgiving as long as it's a canadian team.

politics is a spectator sport in the states, you guys are damn lucky! (except the whole living with the elected offical thing. hangovers are a bitch.)


Rufus said...

You have no idea how many people thought to themselves, "Wouldn't it be funny to actually vote for Bush?" only to regret it the next day.