Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Tonight's Episode: Pizza Man of Death!

Since I don't watch the television news, I can only assume that what they're blowing all out of proportion today is the news that a gimcrack paint ball squad of pizza delivery men in New Jersey was arrested for plotting a savage and stupid attack on Fort Dix. Per usual, this terrorist cell could best be described as 'bearded losers' with big dreams of killing strangers. Not too different from alienated losers throughout history. And were these fellows particularly religious? Mais bien sûr! It's good news that they were caught and arrested.

It's interesting that they were fans of terrorist DVDs, which might well be a handy political tract for the illiterate public. It's also interesting that they were caught using the same techniques that the FBI uses to catch mafiosi, and not the tough guy fantasy methods of torture and electrodes. There weren't even any wiretaps. Jack Bauer would have been bored senseless! Additionally, the affidavit suggests that the 'terror network' isn't exactly made up of criminal masterminds. The guys got caught when they tried to get a DVD dubbing place to copy their disturbing home-made propaganda video! Imagine if the Lindbergh baby kidnappers had gone to a professional calligrapher to write their ransom letters! One has to be underwhelmed. Six idiotic pizza delivery guys? This is the 'existential threat to America'?

Perhaps the most interesting section of the affidavit, for what it reveals about the terrorist underground, and also about its unintentional comedic value, is this: "Because as far as people we have enough, 7 people. And we are all crazy." Of the seven, one was an undercover officer and four were brothers. Otherwise, it doesn't sound like the group had ties to anyone, aside from pepperoni wholesalers. For all the talk of the 'millions of Islamic extremists' that are supposedly waiting in the wings and sharpening their scythes, their actual arrests are consistenly underwhelming and suggest that the war on terror is suffering from a severe problem of scale. However, I'm guessing that isn't how CNN is narrating this particular story.

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