Friday, January 04, 2008

The Who-Gives-A-Fuck Iowa Caucus Report

There were a number of surprises in Iowa last night, but the big winner was America. Now we don’t have to listen to about half of these people over the next year.

The best news for us here at GSM, of course, is that Michelle Obama has moved one step closer to becoming First Lady. She's really accomplished something great here, although we should point out that Ms. Obama has gotten a lot of help from her husband, Barack Obama.

On the Republican side, Mike Huckabee won, all thanks to the divine hand of Providence. Also a really sleazy attack ad, directed by Jesus, that he decided not to run... and then held a press conference to show it to reporters. You know, so that they'd understand why he didn't run it... and air it on the national news with an explanation of what a good man he is. He's also planning to air it during the Super Bowl with the message: "I'm Mike Huckabee. Isn't this ad gross? Glad I didn't run it, huh? Thanks a lot, Jesus! You've ruined your sister's birthday party!"
Seriously though, my favorite slur that Huckabee made against Romney in that ad? "No executions!" Seriously. Because Jesus hates pussies. My favorite (real) Huckabee line about the ad? On CNN, Huckabee patted himself on the back for not running the ad (after having done so twice) by saying: "What shall it profit a man, if he should win all the world and lose his own soul?" Republican voters have rewarded him for being a transparent douche.

Mitt Romney came in second, and came one step closer to removing his latex mask and revealing that he's a lizard soldier from the planet Zarcon. I might vote for him in order to see this.

Fred Thompson came in third thanks to the votes of Law & Order fans as well as Republican voters who thought it might be a crazy lark to elect a candidate who is a moderately decent human being.

John McCain came in fourth. To win over Republican voters, he is planning to change his bio: he didn't get tortured in Vietnam; he tortured them, Dude! Again, Jesus hates pussies.

Lastly, Rudy Guiliani sucked it hard, which was especially disappointing for him since he's already changed his name to El Presidente and chosen the palace concubines who will serve in his administration. He is planning to win in the other states by playing even scarier ads, including one that alternates the words "9/11" and "terrorists" as the theme to Jaws plays loudly in the background. His new slogan? "Guiliani. Come with me if you want to live!"
Incidentally, if I was President, first thing I would do is to get a throne like Jabba the Hut, complete with a small frog bowl. I wouldn't eat them; I'd just keep them around and scare them.

On the Democratic side, John Edwards came in second. No doubt there is some right-wing talk show host right now sputtering: "They voted for Edwards?!! B-bu-but, people! He gets haircuts! Don't you hear me?!!" To step up his style of campaigning thus far, Edwards plans to punch Hillary Clinton in the face.

Hillary Clinton came in third among Democrats. Experts agree that losing Iowa won't necessarily hurt her, although her head did explode. She is planning to dispatch her crack team of small, flying monkeys in vests and fezzes to bring her that Obama, and his little dog, too.

The Clinton News Network (CNN) who last told us that her three-point lead was "strong" and "decisive" now assured viewers that Ms. Clinton's loss "was not necessarily bad for her." She's still leading in New Hampshire, decisively and strongly, I'd imagine.

Anyway, it was good news overall. I like most of the candidates running to some extent. I'm not exactly thrilled about Huckabee. But, remember that the Democrats had twice as many voters turn out to cast ballots as did Republicans, so Obama beat Huckabee overall, which makes the Baby Jesus cry. And that's good for all of us.

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