Wednesday, June 29, 2005

100 Banned Books

Okay, since I'm really bored and impatient today, I'll kill time by posting the 100 Most-frequently banned books of the last decade and (my guesses as to) why they were banned.

1. Scary Stories - Alvin Schwartz (Scary.)

2. Daddy's Roommate - Michael Willhoite (Daddy's roommate doesn't pay his half of the rent, setting a bad example. Also, they fuck a lot.)

3. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - Maya Angelou (Don't want children to know why the caged bird sings)

4. The Chocolate War - Robert Cormier (The U.S. military has never verified that there was, in fact, a Chocolate War and prefers to call it The Chocolate Kerfuffle.)

5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain (Because he's not called "African American Jim" you know. Also, Huck and Tom fuck a lot.)

6. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck (I dinint wanna ban it George. I just wanted ta pet it.)

7. Harry Potter (series) - J.K. Rowling (May encourage a lifetime of reading crap.)

8. Forever - Judy Blume (Way too girly. Makes you want to wear a frilly dress like a freakin' girl or something!)

9. Bridge to Terabithia - Katherine Paterson (suggests that boys and girls can be friends, which only leads to trouble)

10. Alice (series) - Phyllis Reynolds Naylor (Went way too far with "Drippingly Alice")

11. Heather has Two Mommies - Leslea Newman (and they fuck a lot.)

12. My Brother Sam is Dead - James Lincoln Collier (He's just sleeping. Stop asking questions)

13. The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger (Offensive to American Association of Phonies.)

14. The Giver - Lois Lowry (Unfairly suggests that socially engineered attempts at utopia might not work out.)

15. It's Perfectly Normal - Robie Harris (No, it's most certainly not normal!)

16. Goosebumps (series) - R.L. Stine (Goosebumps is a derogatory term for Germans)

17. A Day No Pigs Would Die - Robert Newton Peck (Librarians hate pigs. Want them to die.)

18. The Color Purple - Alice Walker (Given what's happened to Whoopi Goldberg in the years since the movie, it's too painful to read)

19. Sex - Madonna (Offensive to the act of sex)

20. Earth's Children (series) - Jean M. Auel (Those cave-people just run around with their hoo-has and ding-dong's flopping all over the place!)

21. The Great Gilly Hopkins - Katherine Paterson (She's just not that great)

22. A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle (Readers in danger of joining drama club, playing D&D, lose virginity at 32 in hotel room at "Dr Who-Con 2013")

23. Go Ask Alice - Anonymous (Alice is just really sick of being bugged)

24. Fallen Angles - Walter Dean Myers (It's a black thing. We don't understand.)

25. In the Night Kitchen - Maurice Sendak (Pretty sure there's some sort of gay thing going on with those little bakers and that giant milk bottle. Like maybe gay guys really like milk or something.)

26. The Stupids (series) - Harry Allard (Offensive to Stupids)

27. The Witches - Roald Dahl (The politically correct term is "non-Judeo-Christian sluts")

28. The New Joy of Gay Sex - Charles Silverstein (The old gay sex was perfectly fine for your grandparents.)

29. Anastasia Krupnik (series) - Loise Lowry (Parents who wear mis-matched socks are not funny- they need serious help and should be locked away!)

30. The Goats - Brock Cole ("Goats" is slang for females who like to recieve anal sex while eating garbage.)

31. Kaffir Boy - Mark Mathabane (Already too many books about triumph of the human spirit. How about a few on the defeat of the human spirit for a change? Huh?)

32. Blubber - Judy Blume (Offensive to fat children, who otherwise would have no idea that being overweight makes them different than other kids)

33. Killing Mr. Griffin - Lois Duncan (Kids should know that killing never solves anything. If you have a problem with a teacher, you should simply maim them.)

34. Halloween ABC - Eve Merriam (Book teaches children about ancient occultish devil-worshipping traditions, such as the alphabet.)

35. We All Fall Down - Robert Cormier (Jesus doesn't)

36. Final Exit - Derek Humphry (If you follow his instructions, it takes forever to kill yourself!)

37. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood (Casts a negative light on patriarchal totalitarian dystopias. Also, written by a Canadian.)

38. Julie of the Wolves - Jean Craighead George (Cuz damn! Them wolves got all up in that grill!)

39. The Bluest Eye - Toni Morrison (Not Blue enough)

40. What's Happening to my Body? Book for Girls - by Lynda Madaras (If Jesus wants to tell you what's happening to your body, he will.)

41. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (Casts a negative light on southern American racial history)

42. Beloved - Toni Morrison (Too anti-lynching)

43. The Outsiders - S.E. Hinton (Just too hard to decide which boy is the cutest!)

44. The Pigman - Paul Zindel (They prefer to be called Swine-men)

45. Bumps in the Night - Harry Allard (FBI convinced that "Bumps in the night" is code for "Louie-louie, ah-woh, we gotta go!")

46. Deenie - Judy Blume (Scoliosis is just so icky! Also, Judy Blume is still a total girl!)

47. Flowers for Algernon - Daniel Keyes (Wye is th mowse so smrt?)

48. Annie on my Mind - Nancy Garden (Alice is on her mind and her name is Nancy? Tell me there's not some gay thing there!)

49. The Boy Who Lost His Face - Louis Sachar (Because then everyone's going to want to lose their face!)

50. Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat - Alvin Schwartz (What-What-What?! Spit in your what!?)

51. A Light in the Attic - Shel Silverstein (For wantonly exposing children to poetry)

52. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley (Banned by the American Council of Irony)

53. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy - A.N. Roquelaure (Copies constantly stolen by overweight teenaged goths who return them with coffee stains, cigarette burns and someting on page 34 that we hope to God is dairy creamer!)

54. Asking about Sex and Growing Up - Joanna Cole (Because the religious right is opposed to both)

55. Cujo - Stephen King (Because Stephen King can do a lot better)

56. James and the Giant Peach - Roald Dahl (We just banned it to be funny really)

57. The Anarchist Cookbook - William Powell (The recipe for devilled eggs never works out right- they're runny!)

58. Boys and Sex - Wardell Pomeroy (Because the "Pile-driver" position on page 143 can lead to leg cramps. Also, totally against our moral beliefs.)

59. Ordinary People - Judith Guest (Offensive in suggesting that rich people can die.)

60. American Psycho - Bret Easton Ellis (Actually, because the chapter on Whitney Houston was boring.)

61. What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys - Lynda Madaras (This Linda Madaras really thinks she knows what's happening to everybody else's body, doesn't she?)

62. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret - Judy Blume (God's sick of being bugged too)

63. Crazy Lady - Jame Conly (Offensive to feminists, who prefer to be called "Crazy Womyn")

64. Athletic Shorts - Chris Crutcher (Athletic shorts equal boners. Everybody knows that)

65. Fade - Robert Cormier (Just can't stand allegory)

66. Guess What? - Mem Fox (I Can't guess)

67. The House of Spirits - Isabel Allende (Too Chilean, if you know what I mean)

68. The Face on the Milk Carton - Caroline Cooney (Offensive to that boy who lost his face)

69. Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut (Forgets that Dresden was bombed for its own good)
70. Lord of the Flies - William Golding (Offensive to asmar sufferers)

71. Native Son - Richard Wright (All negative about racial inequality and social injustice and shit! I mean, come on! We gave them projects!)

72. Women on Top - Nancy Friday (Women on top of what? ...Wait! Oh my god! I don't think I want to know!)

73. Curses, Hexes and Spells - Daniel Cohen (Curses are okay. Hexes we have no problem with. But spells?!)

74. Jack - A.M. Homes (For jacking)

75. Bless Me, Ultima - Rudolfo A. Anaya (How the hell would I know? I've never heard of it either)

76. Where Did I Come From? - Peter Mayle (Seriously, you don't want to know. Let's just say that Mommy likes sailors. A lot.)

77. Carrie - Stephen King (Do you think we want a bunch of kids running around making things burn with their minds?!)

78. Tiger Eyes - Judy Blume (Okay, fine. The thing is, we just really hate Judy Blume)

79. On My Honor - Marion Dane Bauer (Hello! We're trying to boost our kids' self-esteem! Not tell them that they should feel guilty every single time they cause the death of a close friend!)

80. Arizona Kid - Ron Koertge (You know what an "Arizona kid" is, don't you? Oh, come on! I know you know! You look like you know all about it! Ow!)

81. Family Secrets - Norma Klein (You get all excited to know what the secrets are and then it just turns out to be adultry! What a rip off!)

82. Mommy Laid an Egg - Babette Cole (Because that's fucking weird! Also, a mother shouldn't be laying anything!)

83. The Dead Zone - Stephen King (Makes us think of Christopher Walken and have always thought he was creepy.)

84. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer - Mark Twain (Discourages children from whitewashing.)

85. Song of Solomon - Toni Morrison (Just to piss off Oprah)

86. Always Running - Luis Rodriguez (For stopping running)

87. Private Parts - Howard Stern (Because, he should really stick with radio.)

88. Where's Waldo? - Martin Hanford (The invisible nature of Waldo confronts us with the anonmity and fluidity of modern urban alienation. Also, we can never fucking find him.)

89. Summer of my German Soldier - Bette Greene (...Who fucks a lot!)

90. Little Black Sambo - Helen Bannerman (offensive to little people. African-Americans are cool with it.)

91. Pillars of the Earth - Ken Follett (Wait! "Pillars"? Oh, we thought it was another goddamn Pilates book! Never mind.)

92. Running Loose - Chris Crutcher (Apparently, he means "freeballin' "dude!)

93. Sex Education - Jenny Davis (Censors are opposed to both)

94. The Drowing of Stephen Jones - Bette Greene (Banned by people who prefer stabbing)

95. Girls and Sex - Wardell Pomeroy (For refusing to discuss "the bukkake option")

96. How to Eat Fried Worms - Thomas Rockwell (Everyone knows they're supposed to be baked, not fried.)

97. View From the Cherry Tree - Willo Davis Roberts (Teaches kids to not be cool about murders they witness)

98. The Headless Cupid - Zilpha Keatley Snyder (Because eeeeewww!! That's SO gross!)

99. The Terrorist - Caroline Cooney (The terrorist pays almost no attention whatsoever to proper tooth care.)

100. Jump Ship to Freedom - James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier (You'll do no such thing!)

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