God: Okay, so hello religious fanatics, this is God. How's it going? So, I know there are a lot of really horrible things in the world; poverty, starvation, rape, war, domestic violence, murder, and so forth. And, you know, I'd really like to do something about all of those things. But, what can I do? I'm God. I work in mysterious ways. Whatever.
...But, there is something I really hate that I think needs to be fixed- shorts. No, seriously, I hate shorts; bike shorts, running shorts, you name it. Hate them. So, what I need for you to do is to kill anyone who wears shorts. Yes, that's right. No, I don't think that there's anything better you could be doing with your time. Now, I know people will think that you're bat-shit crazy sociopath wannabe fascists. But, they're probably wearing shorts. So, go get 'em. Praise me. Etc. etc. Over and out!