Saturday, September 08, 2007

Osama Bin Laden's new video drops

The United States has received another videotape from Osama Bin Laden, who looks a bit different lately (see picture at left), and who is apparently now working with a focus group to try to appeal to those people who might have been skeptical about the ''al-Quaida message'' in the past.

The tape is a rambling, unhinged digression on everything that annoys him about the United States, which we can choose to take as either deeply terrifying, or totally hilarious. I guess you can probably imagine how I see it.

ABC News:
''According to the transcript, which can be viewed by clicking here, bin Laden opens with "praise to Allah" and his "law of retaliation" -- "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and the killer is killed."

He also gives a 'shout out' to his 'homies back in South Saudi' and announces that his new single ''Back 'Dat Burqua Up!'', featuring a duet with Gwen Stefani, is ''about to drop on September 23rd''.

He says to the American people, "you made one of your greatest mistakes, in that you neither brought to account nor punished those who waged this war, not even the most violent of its murderers, [former Defense Secretary Donald] Rumsfeld…”

He's calling Rumsfeld a ''violent murderer''? Sheesh! Hello, uh excuse me, Mr. Pot, I thought you might like to meet my friend, Mr. Kettle. I think the two of you might have a lot to talk about.

He goes on to call Noam Chomsky "among one of the most capable of those from your own side," and mentions global warming and "the Kyoto accord."

Oh, great! Every conservative radio host in the country just got a boner. Osama: ''It's like I was saying to Susan Sarandon the other day, I said, 'Susie, I hate this global warming shit. For Allah's sake, I'm wearing a wool blanket here!'' But seriously, folks, I'm going to make two predictions here 1. Any number of conservative columnists are right now typing the words, 'treacherous fifth column', and 2. CNN is not going to have Larry King sitting down with Noam Chomsky to see how he feels about this.

''He also speaks to recent issues grabbing headlines in the United States, referring to "the reeling of many of you under the burden of interest-related debts, insane taxes and real estate mortgages; global warming and its woes..."

Bin Laden then adjusts the collar of his shirt, adding, ''And what is with airline food? I mean, come on! If I get another bag of salted peanuts, I'm going to fly into a building!'' (Ba-dum-da!)

"To conclude," bin Laden says, "I invite you to embrace Islam." He goes on to say: "There are no taxes in Islam, but rather there is a limited Zakaat [alms] totaling 2.5 percent."

''But, we can negotiate the monthly fee. Don't worry about that. Now, I'm not sure that Islam would be right for that gay cousin of yours... Actually, he might get a little, uh, hanged... You might want to point him towards Sufism- they're sort of the Muslims who know how to party. And that sister of yours who wears those slutty 'short-sleeved shirts'... You might want to lock her in the basement. Otherwise, I think we're good to go here. I'll just sign you up for a trial membership...''

But, you know, one thing I do hope. All of those religious groups that come out every time a talk show host says some stupid shit about Muslims to criticize them for ''defaming Islam'', I just hope that one of them will say, ''Hey, you know who really defames Islam? Osama Bin Laden!''

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